The Narcissist and the Nurturer … or Perhaps Lack Thereof

The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world….truer words were never spoken. Childhood, whether good or bad, seems to shape personality in many complex ways. Perhaps it isn’t as straightforward as stating that a good upbringing ensures a decent adult, or a difficult upbringing creates a dysfunctional adult. There are too many variables to make such a simplistic statement. watch how to spot a narcissist
People who have led relatively decent, law-abiding lives have been known to suddenly commit a violent crime that baffles their communities. It has been proven that within what is perceived as “decent” households lurk dark problems that are simply never unveiled. There are probably many such families who have everyone fooled.
The narcissist hails from a household that appears to be respectable.  Its members are usually law-abiding and quite neighbourly.  However, few of the family members have friends, as it is forbidden.Often these are the parents who enroll the child in every recreational activity imaginable and who never fail to attend sports games, recitals, plays, etc.
The narcissist’s parents display behaviour that is a little too enthusiastic, or a little too critical of their child. Some parents perform admirably in public while later berating the child at home.  It is not an easy childhood. watch narcissism: origins and effects
Certainly the Lionel Tate – Tiffany Eunick criminal case revealed narcissism at its extreme.  The narcissistic mother, Kathleen Grossett-Tate, refused to believe her son murdered little Tiffany. Due to his young age, 12, Tate was offered a plea bargain whereby he would serve a three-year term for second-degree murder in a youth facility followed by 10 years probation. In spite of fully evidence of his guilt, Grossett-Tate refused, insisting on a trial, fully believing her son would be exonerated. Tate lost and, at 12, he was sentenced to life in prison. read lionel tate –
Psychological and physical abuse are the weapons that adults use to create, unknowing, a narcissist. The child is loved and rewarded when s/he accomplishes the parents’ goals, but ignored and rejected due to failure.  Whatever form the abuse takes, its purpose is to enforce compliance with the parents’ narcissistic needs.Healthy parents offer their child unconditional love.  The narcissist’s parents offer conditional love.  Their love has to be earned and is easily withheld whenever the child disappoints her parents. The rules within a narcissistic household are complex. The child may commit a seemingly innocuous act then find himself the object of his parent’s hatred. It is a game of allowing the child to break a rule before the child knows the rule exists. In this respect, the child “walks on eggshells” around her parents.  She seeks to please them on a continual basis in an effort to ensure their love yet simultaneously she believes she is to blame for their abnormal behaviours. watch conditional love
The narcissist mother views her child as an extension of herself.  She smothers, manipulates and discourages autonomy in her child.  She is obsessively close to her child and envious of her child’s growing independence.  The adult expresses narcissistic attachment, wherein the child exists for his mother’s benefit. She may emphasize “carrying the torch,” “maintaining the family image,” or “making mum or dad proud”. As a result, children of narcissists learn to “play their part” and are expected to perform their special skills especially in public or for others. watch narcissist’s family
Over time, one of two narcissistic personalities develop within the child of narcissistic parents:  (1)  Explosive – attacks everyone in his immediate vicinity, causes damage to objects or people, and is verbally and psychologically abusive. (2) Pernicious or Passive-Aggressive (P/A) –   sulks, gives the silent treatment, and is plotting how to punish the transgressor and put her in her proper place. These narcissists are vindictive and often become stalkers. They harass and haunt the objects of their frustration. watch american psycho – business card scene

Children of a difficult stubborn temperament defend themselves

against being supportive of their parents. They observe how the selfish parents get his needs met by others. They learn how manipulation and guilt gets the parent what he or she wants. They develop a false self and use aggression and intimidation to get their way. These children grow up to be Narcissistic themselves. watch the social network official trailer
The sensitive, guilt-ridden children in the family learn to meet the parent’s needs for gratification and try to get love by accommodating the whims wishes of the parent. The child’s normal feelings are ignored, denied and eventually repressed in attempts to gain the parent’s “love.” Guilt and shame keep the child locked into developmental arrest. These children grow up learning to give too much and develop a false self by becoming co-dependent in their relationships. watch arrested development big kid in a child’s seat
The novel “Loverboy” by the author Victoria Redel is written from the perspective of a mother exhibiting characteristics of extreme narcissistic parenting.The protagonist embarks upon a series of reckless sexual relationships with strangers for the purpose of conceiving a child who will act as a source of self-enhancement. When her son, Paul, is born, she forbids him from having any contact with or friends in the outside world, and constructs an elaborate fantasy world for him based entirely around herself. watch loverboy trailer 2005 
Transactional Analysis is a form of therapy for clients who ‘suffered some narcissistic abuse as children (that is, an injury to their developing selves)’, examining for instance the boy in an all-female household who only ‘survived by developing powerful emotional antennae in order to respond to the emotional needs of his mother and sister’. watch the female narcissist. Such personal traits would place the boy, as a man, on the defensive and make peaceful communication with a female partner difficult. TA examines the 3 ego states of people: the Parent, the Adult and the Child. In TA, all of us possess these 3 states, however the unhealthy narcissist moves through these states in a manner that dominates others or where the narcissist enters into and remains in a co-dependent relationship, playing the role of victim. watch transactional analysis 1
Another train of thought about narcissistic parents states that ‘the mother who colonizes her child and stifles gestures of autonomy and difference breeds in him or her…an often unconscious craving for the dead-end justice of revenge’. The revenge is not acted against the parents, but rather against the narcissist’s partner or spouse.  This type of narcissist is prone to physically and psychologically abusing her spouse, exploding in intermittent rages, seeks narcissist supply, and hypervigilant. watch before you marry him or her
 Sometimes narcissistic parenting patterns involve ‘mothers and fathers, overprotective and uneasy, who have chosen the child as a narcissistic artificial limb and keep incorporating that child as a restoring element for the adult psyche. This in turn intensifies the infant’s tendency toward omnipotence’. Omnipotence in psychiatry refers to the child a false sense of Self, grandiose, perfect and entitled to preferential treatment. watch lisa e. scott talks about 6 red flags
It isn’t always easy to recognize a narcissist. Emotions may cloud our judgement when we become intimately involved with a narcissist. One telltale red flag is this: if you don’t feel good about yourself when you are with your partner, it is possible this is a narcissistic or sociopathic relationship.  A relationship shouldn’t make either partner continually unhappy, defensive, angry, wary, untrusting, or confused. You won’t change the narcissist. Your may think you have three survival mechanisms: watch silent treatment of the narcissist
Option one.  You, the willing victim, will need therapy to understand why you remain with a narcissist and learn ways to emotionally defend yourself.
 Option two.  Change the narcissist into a compassionate, equal partner by working hard to help him/her.  Forget it.  It will never happen.
Option three. Leave. watch how to abandon a narcissist and move on