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Narcissism is its Own Dark Tale

Have you ever known a narcissist?  I’ve met three although I didn’t know two very well.  They’re users and losers, these types. Their friendships are superficial and opportunistic: as soon as the narcissist meets someone with more to offer, previous relationships are abandoned. The first narcissist I met was named Nigel.  He was exactly the type described above; no empathy and an opportunist  who pursued several extra-marital affairs with no concern for his wife’s plight, nor that of the married women he pursued. When I asked him why he simply didn’t get a divorce he replied “I don’t want to be alone,” a very accurate narcissistic response. His marriage was not about his spouse and children: it was solely about Nigel. watch typical narcissist’s spouse

Generally narcissist spouses fall into two categories: the “healthy victim” who leaves early on in the relationship and the victim with a distorted concept of relationships and low self-esteem.  The latter remains in a narcissistic relationship as long as she or he can and in fact devotes considerable effort to make the marriage or relationship work. Sometimes the victim becomes a narcissist during this exhausting process. Victims enjoy the intensive attention and abuse of the narcissist, no matter how malignant. They enjoy the role of victim since it brings them desired attention. They become narcissists by proxy. watch victims become narcissists: contagious narcissism

The next narcissist I met believed himself to be so musically talented he called himself “Jimmy” as in Jimmy Hendrix.  He could bang out a banal tune on an acoustic guitar and he could carry a tune in a bucket but that was the limit of his talents. Once he stole a sum of money from a woman and when she cried he acted astounded that she wasn’t supportive of his financial needs. watch forgive the narcissist?

Generally women narcissists are in the minority: most narcissists are male. Women tend to focus on their beauty and sexuality. The success and ongoing destruction of a woman narcissist depends upon the human environment around her. She depreciates herself into a caricature. The woman narcissist I knew was named Dawn.  She was a black woman with blonde extensions and men found her highly desirable.  She was well aware of this and flaunted her body by dressing very suggestively and inappropriately.  She too had several extra-marital affairs. When I asked her once about a young man she claimed would be her “next fuck” (her words) she ignored my question and kept talking: he rebuffed her and she refused to discuss it. watch the narcissist woman

Children are attached to the female narcissist. A woman narcissist thinks of her children as extensions of herself. The male narcissist generally regards his children as a nuisance.Women narcissists rely upon the attention and dependency of their children. They discourage independence and autonomy. A woman chooses a different source of narcissistic supply, however her mental disorder is identical to the male narcissist. Although the narcissistic mother seems to worship and sacrifice for her children, she keeps them attached to her in order to meet her own needs. Sometimes a narcissistic child is the result of spoiling, over-valuing and isolating the child.  These are forms of child abuse. watch narcissist mother’s pet: her child

A narcissistic child I know is in a grade one class.  He is 6 years old and is often troublesome in the classroom: he lacks empathy, causes fights, and finds amusement in other children’s difficulties. His family is extremely defensive of the child. He is never wrong. Rather, the teacher and other children in the classroom are the causes of the narcissistic child’s failings.

An extreme example of the spoiled, anti-social and narcissistic child is  Lionel Tate, 12 years old at the time of 6-year-old Tiffany Eunick’s murder. watch LarryKingLive. His mother was at home and well aware of the noises that occurred downstairs while she retired to her bedroom to take a nap. Tiffany was beaten to death in a dreadful, painful manner but Tate’s mother insisted it was a “tragic accident.” read boy convicted of murder in wrestling death

Many books on narcissism claim narcissists are emotional toddlers; or they are “stuck” at an emotional stage of development of a toddler. However it’s not that narcissists never had a chance to grow up, from the time they were toddlers until the time we encounter them. The problem for narcissists is that the world they grew up in is one of unpredictable, brutal punishment that is somehow linked to something others said they did wrong. Most if not all went through childhood facing this horror. They are not stuck at toddler age. They have fully developed and disordered personalities; personalities that cause them to react with intense fear at any suggestion of a flaw  in themselves. That fear triggers a brutal assault designed to demean and dissuade the source of the criticism. Borderline Personality Disorder, a disorder defined by an abusive upbringing, highly unstable relationships and extreme fear of abandonment is a closely related mental distortion. watch Lisa E Scott talks about the 6 red flags of a narcissist

Disorder means things are not in their rightful place. Those with a personality disorder have disordered reactions to the world – they don’t respond in ways that healthy people do. They are constantly on guard. Their lives are filled with intense hypervigilance – a constant searching for psychological threats. Their intense distress arises from within themselves. Rather than loving us, they strive to hammer us into a model of perfection. Our private relationships become an endless series of failed attempts to placate their fears, punctuated with episodes of brutal attacks. watch symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder in charles manson

The Greek story that Narcissus, a demi-god, fell in love with his own image while looking in a pond, is actually misleading when referring to a true narcissist. Narcissists are not vain or confident about their physical beauty; in fact they often avoid mirrors so as not to find physical flaws. They fear that physical flaws reveal the true person inside; empty, imperfect and a shallow reflection of what a person should be. Perhaps this explains the narcissist’s need to develop a spouse or significant other into a model of perfection: something the narcissist knows he or she will never become. watch narcissistic personality disorder

There is no not knowing whether or not you love a narcissist: either you tolerate constant criticism and paranoia from a person who appears to have an exaggerated ego, or you don’t.  There is no way a narcissist doesn’t know he or she is disordered and has had a truly unfulfilling life, but don’t expect the narcissist to admit this to anyone. Defensive egocentrism and criticism of others are the narcissist’s defence mechanisms and that person guards them as jealously as s/he envies the success and happiness of others. watch narcissistic relationships – an introduction

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